Back in the USSR - SR = Back in the US

Ken hopefully you read this-- I was going to just post a thank you comment on your page but figured I should get to posting. So, Thank You. Ha... I derived some strange warm feeling from being mentioned on your blog, maybe that was the most "celebrity" like moment I can ever hope to achieve in my life. Hopefully not, but likely so.

I got into Columbus Ohio at about 11:30pm Saturday June 21st. The flight was horrific. I had a stop at Newark airport in New York that was delayed four hours and then when we boarded we sat on the runway for over an hour and a half because there was a gathering of rabbits that prevented the plane from departing. Rabbits. They kept the plane from taking off.

In regard to leaving Taiwan, I think the answer is really simple: Teaching is not for me. I like kids. I don't like teaching kids English in Taiwan. I KNOW this is a naive statement. I know that I didn't give it enough of a chance and that I didn't try any other jobs out to see if maybe it was just the company I worked for... but I pretty quickly lost resolve to make any effort to stay in Taiwan.

It would have been a nice vacation. Ken, I should have listened to your advice about not living in a small town-- but I never would have imagined it to be that difficult to live there. In my defense, the only lie Hess really told me was that there would be a larger English speaking community there... and while I did start to meet some interesting people after a week or so, the real isolation of living in a place where I couldn't understand anything going on around me certainly wore me down quickly. My desire to learn chinese quickly burnt into ashes of fuck learning chinese I want out of here.

Staying in Taiwan would have just required time to get use to the place and to adjust... but honestly that seemed really silly to me. When is that not true? In what part of life do you not have to do that? The prospect of staying in Taiwan wasn't really all that exciting to me once I got there. There is a ton of stuff I haven't done in the US... why should I supplant that with things I could do in Taiwan? These blaring questions ripped through my head every day I was there... and again all I had to do was stick it out and they would have faded away. And again, to me that is silly.

I would go back though. I would totally go back in a few years if things here go to shit and I'm ready to roll out and take an adventure. This was just not the right time. I've freshly graduated from school. I took high latin honors. I'm motivated, intelligent, and capapble of excelling at most anything I put my mind to. I kind of ran away to Taiwan-- ran away from facing the reality of job hunting in the US. I knew I could get a job teaching English in Taiwan and then cemented the idea with dreams of continued traveling and saving money. But everything collapsed when I got there.

Having a conversation with a guy from England, he asked me a simple question meant to instigate an interesting dialogue... simply: "So, Than, why are you here?"

I just froze. Why am I here? It was a completely innocuous question. He assumed I had an answer and just wanted me to share it with him. When people asked me: "So, Than, why are you going?" I had a thousand answers. But once I was there, I had nothing. It was strange. I get a little confidence in my decision to return, because the reasons I said I was heading back to the US are still holding strong now that I am here.

I had an image of myself as some fanciful world traveler-- capable of treading across the earth free from attatchment. That was really it. Taiwan was the stepping stone into that existence. But I figured out pretty quickly that this image of me is just an image. I don't really want to be that. I like the idea, but not the execution. Sure I had a bit of culture shock, but nothing terrible... and I'm willing to argue that I got over the majority of it pretty quickly. I'm a thoughtful person who resists complacency, and I very seriously analyzed what I was going through in Taiwan. The job sucked for me. Lesson planning is NOT something I am ever going to give a shit about doing. Figuring out how to get kids to have fun while teaching them english is NOT my idea of a job. I'm rigid and inflexible on that. Which is why I left. I could have stayed and Hess would likely not have fired me. I wasn't a bad teacher at all... the kids loved me, my co-teachers and boss gave me great compliments, and everyone's jaw kind of dropped when I said I was leaving. I left because I didn't like the way things felt. I left because I didn't want the only reason I stayed in Taiwan to be that I was there long enough to get over the feeling of wanting to come back. And also because the kids really deserve a teacher who enjoys teaching. I think anyone who goes to Taiwan and sees these kids faces and gets an idea of how much work they do in their daily lives concerning education will develop sympathy for them-- and if a person does not have any sympathy/empathy for the kids then they are a monster who's existence revolves around making money.

I am a bit of a sappy guy, and the thought of not being able to entertain the kids really got to me. Some of my classes didn't get out until almost 9pm-- these kids still had to go home and eat, and do homework, play and be kids, and then prepare to wake up the next day to do it all over again. Maybe that was my major culture shock. I don't begrudge Taiwan for putting such an emphasis on learning... but I'm not a very good cog to have in that machine. I get all wrapped up in my feelings and lose sight of what I'm doing because I don't like the situation. I really respect those that are good teachers-- the kids need that. I think after about two months or so I would have been completely burned out and everyone would have hated me. Then I would have went home and cried. With my quick departure, I got to have three weeks of high-octane fun teaching and go home with good memories.

I met plenty of people who had been in Taiwan for many years... and the majority of them expressed the desire to go home coupled with the fear of doing it. One lady even looked me straight in the face and said "good for you" when I told her I was leaving-- in context of the conversation she was expressing her envy of my chance to get out. I know me, and here is what would have happened given enough time-- I would have grown used to Taiwan and stayed there indefinately. My teaching style would have probably eventually become perfunctory and uninteresting, but eventually I wouldn't care and would just treat it like any old job effectively reducing the kids to "those things that provide me with money." I met plenty of teachers who did do exactly that.

Life is wonderful. Struggles are wonderful. Achievements are wonderful. It's all pretty spectacular. I wish I had spent more time in Taiwan simply so my words would have more rhetorical authority. But I was only there for a month. But I can say I don't hate Taiwan at all. I didn't leave there because I couldn't stand to be there... I left because I didn't have any reason to stay. I left the US before I gave it a real chance. All things are subject to change, and maybe even every statment and opinion made in this post. I constantly prove myself incorrect and look forward to continuing to do so. But I did live in Taiwan for a month... I am satisfied that I finally got off my ass and went for it.

I am extremely excited to be living in Columbus, and have a long list of interesting jobs to apply for. Had I not went to Taiwan, I would still be living in Shelby, OH... and while Shelby Ohio isn't a bad place to live-- I really want to get out and put my degree to the test. Going to Taiwan forced me to change things. That is really all that I needed.